Have you ever heard that saying? It’s been a while, but our pastor reminded us recently. It made me stop and think again. It is so true. Hurt people, do hurt people. Think about a person who is abusive to their children, that person was probably abused as a child. Abused children grow up to be abusers a lot of time. Not always, but statistics prove that this is often true.
The hurt doesn’t have to be serious either. Think about a relationship where there has been disagreement and hurt feelings. Often, until there is some sort of apology (repentance), the relationship suffers. It may appear fine on the outside, but inside where it matters most, the intimacy has been compromised. Bitterness, resentment, maybe even anger builds. You see this in marriages, parent/child relationships, long-term work relationships. Unless someone acknowledges that they have hurt someone else, owns their part and admits they are sorry, there cannot be restoration.
Isn’t this what the Bible teaches us? We have to acknowledge that we are sinners, and own our mistakes, ask for forgiveness and then we are welcomed into relationship with God. Our mistakes separate us from Him. As soon as we admit we are sinners, and say we are sorry, the relationship is restored.
Don’t we teach this to our children? Little Johnny hits his sister. You take Johnny aside, explain to him why it is wrong to hit his sister, he apologizes to his sister and they hug, soon they are playing again like nothing ever happened. But if Little Johnny won’t say he’s sorry, he is not able to play again, he must spend some time thinking about his mistake. This can make Johnny angrier if he has a hard heart. He may become resentful. The relationship will remain broken because his sister won’t be as trusting, she won’t believe that he loves her and doesn’t want to hurt her again. If Little Johnny apologizes, he will soon find happiness and love in admitting his mistake and seeking forgiveness.
This is not to say that an apology makes all things great. There are still consequences for our sins. God is the only one capable of forgetting our sins, the Bible tells us He casts them as far as the East is from the West. Man is not able to do that, but you must admit that a heartfelt apology definitely restores a relationship to a mostly healthy place. An avoidance of admitting your part in causing someone hurt keeps the relationship in a broken state.
Life experience has taught me that the only ONE I can count on is God. Man will fail me every time. Some people fail us more often than others. Some seem to only know how to fail and seem blind to the pain they cause. Some will see their failure and quickly apologize. Some will know they have failed and never acknowledge it, but pretend it never happened. Some will know they failed and blame others for their failure, never wanting to admit they have faults.
It is easy to see this in other people. We can look at someone else’s relationships and point out where a hurt has occurred and how that has affected the relationship. It’s a little harder in our own lives. No one wants to admit they are wrong, or very few people anyway. We can’t see our mistakes as clearly as we can see others. Our hearts deceive us, the enemy lies to us. Blaming the other person is way easier than admitting we are a big part of the problem. Those people who lie to themselves, and won’t even admit there is a problem, I wish I had an answer to those. I have to believe deep in my heart they know. I have to believe that. They can’t possibly be that capable of hurting someone else and not even be aware. In the still of the night, when they can’t avoid the reality of who they are and what they’ve done, maybe?
What can we do to be people of reconciliation and restoration? What has God called us to do? We are admonished often to live in peace, and to be peacemakers. I used to think this meant doing a lot of overlooking of hurts. I’m beginning to see that maybe what we are to do is confront the situation in a respectful, unemotional way. Not quickly pointing the finger but quietly stating that we are hurt. “It hurts me when..” This requires vulnerability. You might think it opens you up for more hurt, but really if you are already hurting, will you hurt more if you still don’t get an apology? I’m not saying I have all the answers because this is a tough one for me. I avoid conflict at all costs most days. I tend to get emotional and loud. Crying comes easily to me and I am a passionate debater. Not good qualities when you are trying to quietly discuss a situation.
I think adjusting our expectations can help us tremendously though. Chances are some relationships will never be completely healed, as much as we may want them to be. We are only one part of the problem, we cannot force someone else to “own” their part. Some people will never admit to being wrong, they will blame you, or anyone else they can to avoid facing the reality. But within the body of Christ we should be able to overcome these hurts and move on to healing. We have been forgiven so much; we need to extend that same grace to others. We have been loved so much; we need to pass that love on to others. We need to expect others to fail; no one is perfect except Jesus. Until we reach Heaven we will suffer, James assures us of this.
My prayer, especially when it comes to my children, is that I will be able to recognize when I hurt them, ask their forgiveness and restore the relationship. I desire a healthy relationship with my children now and when they are adults. I want them to enjoy spending time with me, bring their children by, call me sharing their everyday life with me. I want to be that mom and grandma who is always willing to listen, interested in their lives. Never should they feel that they are not important to me. Never should any accidental hurts, or unresolved pain come between us. Openly communicating, able to talk about everything, not holding grudges, not allowing jealousy, envy or strife to separate us.
I want my friendships to be honest and caring. If I’ve offended a friend, to be known as the one they can confront without fear of anger, bitterness or blame, acknowledging my failure and apologizing. Allowing any brokenness to make us stronger in the long run, like a broken bone healed stronger in the broken spot.
I pray I am a mom, daughter, sister, aunt and friend who loves unconditionally, forgiving and being forgiven when I fail. Always looking to the love, grace and mercy of God, which is new every morning, to flow through me. Ephesians 2:8-10 For it is by grace that you have been saved, through faith-and this is not from yourselves it is the gift of God-not by works, so that no one can boast. For we are God’s workmanship, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do. 2 Corinthians 12:9 But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in your weakness.”
Romans 3:23-26 For all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God, and are justified freely by his grace through the redemption that came by Jesus Christ. God presented him as a sacrifice of atonement, through faith in his blood. He did this to demonstrate his justice, because in his forbearance he had left the sins committed beforehand unpunished-he did it to demonstrate his justice at the present time, so as to be just and the one who justifies those who have faith in Jesus.
Romans 4:7-8 Blessed are they whose transgressions are forgiven, whose sins are covered. Blessed is the man whose sin the Lord will never count against him.
Hurt people, hurt people. Hurt people are often too hurt to have healthy relationships. There is One who can heal your heart. There is One who is the lover of your soul. One who has cared for you since before you were born, who has plans for you, who is just waiting for you to ask Him to be the Lord of your life. It requires submitting to His plans, trusting in Him, asking for His forgiveness and forgiving others. He who began a good work in you, will be faithful to complete it, if you trust yourself to Him. No tug of war with your life, He isn’t a big Santa in the sky or genie in a bottle, or an ogre waiting to send more problems your way. His way is best, you have to follow His plan. Trust that He loves you. He sent His Son to die for you, He loves you that much.
This might go along, and might be totally off track. But, the times I have seen hurt people, hurt people is people that don’t want to be “down and out” alone. Maybe it is more miserable people want someone to be miserable with. Instead of trying to get up, you pull people down with you. And if you are the one trying to help a miserable person, it is very difficult to stay strong, as they literally suck the life out of you. This is where Jesus comes in becasue all your strength has to come from Him in this kind of situation. Just this week I was asked by a person to help them, but after a few days they decided they didn’t want help and asked me to basically go away. What they wanted was me to be miserable with them, and I wasn’t going there.
Mmm..could it be I was in your thoughts in some way when you wrote this? Very good article & good discussion to have. Hugs.
Actually it came about from something totally different but I’m sure subconsciously you were on my mind too 🙂